Breakthrough!

breakthrough n. 1. the act, result, or place of breaking through against resistance, as in warfare. 2. a strikingly important advance or discovery

In the Landmark education system the term breakthrough is used extensively, that is the whole idea behind the system. To produce breakthroughs in peoples lives so they can achieve whatever dream they would like to create. When I went through the Forum, the first week in December, I had a huge breakthrough. I had shut down the constant chatter of logic and emotion and actually found silence.

Finding this clarity of mind has been an incredible experience, allowing me to be fully creative again. However life is more than just one breakthrough. Living a life of transformation means continually grappling with life, and creating more breakthroughs. Each breakthrough pushes the life experience into new realms of possibility, or more simply, a new more powerful way of being.

In the Landmark Forum we learn about being resigned and cynical. I was the poster boy for this concept, as I was probably the most resigned and cynical person on the planet! Even though I had a huge breakthrough in December, I was still grappling with resignation and cynicism. I could acknowledge it was there, I just could not figure out how to dismantle it, and thus eliminate it from my daily life.

The opening volley in my breakthrough happened on 7 March. It was a Saturday, and Kristi was in class all day, so I accepted an invitation from my sister to attend her Landmark class to see what was going on there. My share partner for the event was a truly remarkable woman named Lisa. In the last share, of the 3 hour event, she opened Pandora's box of events that would unfold over the next 5 days.

Lisa found my resignation and cynicism and began to explore it. When I am grappling with a concept I can get quite crafty, and sometimes downright stubborn, as I do not like the fact that I don't know, being exposed. As she prodded my soul she completely laid my resignation and cynicism right out in front of me. Bless her heart she took all of my negative emotions with out a flinch, never losing her composure. At the end of the class, I thanked her for helping me grapple with the troubling concepts I was struggling with. She did not think she had done much good, but I assured her that she had.

I arrived back at Kristi's to an empty house, as she was still in class. I was still reeling from the share I had with Lisa and still grappling. In the dazed state I was in, working on a creative project did not feel right, as I was not connected to the spirit. I found myself sitting on Kristi's bed looking at a book on her nightstand. The book had been sitting there for months, as dust was collecting on the jacket. I had noticed the book before, but figured Kristi would read it and give me the lowdown, and then I would get to read it. Now I found myself drawn to the book. I picked it up and brushed the dust off and looked at the cover. The Secret by Rhonda Byrne. It was time to read this book.

The Secret is shared in the first chapter as it explains the Law of Attraction. Essentially what the law states is that everything coming into your life, you are attracting into your life, through your thoughts, words, and actions. As I rolled this around in my head, I began to sense that I was on to something. As I continued to read it was almost like a veil was being removed and a new sense of clarity emerging.

I set the book down, and went outside to smoke a cigarette. Sitting there, I thanked the universe for all the abundance and prosperity in my life. A very simple statement, and yet the beginning of my clear dialog with the universe. I finished up my cigarette and went back inside to read some more, and learned how this concept works.

Everything in the universe is made of energy. That means that everything is connected to everything through this web of energy. Everything is transmitting and receiving through this force, and this is where our thoughts, words, and actions come into play. We are emanating what we are thinking into our world, and thus bringing our reality to ourselves.

As I was reading, I would pause and talk to the universe, on many occasions. Each time I did this it became easier to do, and after each talk, a subtle joy would tingle in my heart. It had begun to happen, I was receiving back the energy I was transmitting. These were the first baby steps in my new conversation with the universe.

Sunday morning I got up and as I was brushing my teeth, I looked in the mirror and thought about all the abundance and prosperity in my life, and I thanked the universe for my new clarity. At different times during the day I would spontaneously have a conversation with the universe thanking it for the beauty of the day, and the beauty of my life. Each time, the joy filling my heart, would get stronger.

On Monday I began the conversation with the universe with my waking thought, and practiced the conversation through out the day. I went to my class that night in a new space that I was beginning to create. I wasn't quite ready to share it with the class, as I was still discovering what was going on inside me.

Tuesday I again began the conversation with the universe with my waking thought, and pursued the conversation throughout the day. As the evening approached it was time to go to Kristi's class completion.

The Landmark environment is an awesome space to be in, as the spirit of sharing and connection is very strong. As I was listening to the instructor, she was talking about her first experience being the Landmark environment and her first question to her host was "what the heck are all these people smiling about?" I thought about that statement as it was ringing in my head. The Landmark smile, comes from a peaceful place we find, when we have our breakthrough. For some reason this thought stuck with me.

Wednesday morning my dialog with the universe began with my waking thought. I did have some issues that needed cleaning up with Kristi. We got that cleaned up, finished packing, and I headed home. I picked up my dialog with the universe again and thanked the universe for all the beauty around me. It was raining soft showers alternating with heavy mist, and yet there was a magic all around me. I could feel the rain dripping through the leaves of the trees. I could feel the Earth soaking up the moisture, and life coming back into the vegetation. I could even feel the rain draining through the hide of the animals standing in the pastures. This was intense, and I could feel this intensity welling up in my soul, to the point of having tears in my eyes. It was a beautiful feeling.

As I watched the birds flying in the rain, I could feel their joy as the moisture cleansed their feathers...and then it hit me. My resignation and cynicism were gone! The source of the two negative emotions was my thoughts, words, and actions! I was building this negative reality continually every day with every thought. Now that I had replaced that train of thought with a positive stream, things were beginning to change.

I got to the end of the toll way and turned on to 183 South. At this intersection there is a lot of construction going on. The ground was bare, and I noticed all these rocks were exposed. I pull off to the side and stopped. I got out of my truck and went looking for a rock, not just any rock, my rock. It took me about 5 minutes to find it, but when I found it, I knew it was the one. I picked it up and walked back to my truck.

After getting settled, I closed my eyes and began to focus on the abundance and prosperity in my life while holding the rock tight in my hand. I could feel the positive energy leaving my hand and being absorbed by the rock. I am not sure how long I sat there focusing on my new rock, but when I was done, I held up the rock and looked at it intently and verbally christened the rock, my rock of abundance and prosperity. I promised to keep the rock with me at all times, and that every time I consciously touched the rock I would be thankful for the abundance and prosperity in my life. Then I continued on my journey, in the same meditative state I had been when I started.

The more conversation I had, the deeper the feelings became. My focus became even more intense. This breakthrough seemed to be a rolling one, not one like the light just came on. It seemed to be a living breakthrough which was different than the breakthrough in December.

After I passed through Gonzales, I began to realize I had a small problem that needed addressing. The deadline for me to pay the remaining balance for my Advanced class was quickly approaching. The pending job that my company had contracted, had not started in middle February as originally planned, leaving me short of cash. Not good, as I cast this problem out to the universe I realized I could ask the universe for the money.

I had not asked for anything up to this point, as I was still thanking the universe for all the things in my life. I figured I was backed up on that aspect, and still needed to do a lot more thanking before I began asking! Yet somehow it felt right to ask. I was just fixing to form up the request and thought to myself hold on just a second, there is still something else that was on my mind regarding this very issue.

I have become friends with Jaia through my Landmark classes, and was really disappointed that he would not be taking the Advanced class. I wasn't sure, but I figured it had do to lack of money. Since the law of attraction says I can't will anybody else anything, I would have to take matters into my own hands.

I thought about it and the number 1,000 popped in my head. I thought to myself, that should cover the both of us. So I formed up the request for a check for $1,000 to arrive in my mailbox in time for both of us to attend the class. I could see the check arriving in my mailbox very clearly, and I knew that my request would be fulfilled. A smile comes to my heart from down deep, and happiness overwhelmed me.I continued driving, and then an oops thought popped in my head. I had my numbers wrong, a $1,000 dollars is not going to cover it.

I also learned in the book, that once your request is made it is done, you don't have to keep asking for it, you just have to know in your heart that your request is being fulfilled. So I focused my thoughts again, and visualized another check for $500 dollars arriving in my mailbox, and again, I knew this check would also be arriving in my mailbox in time for us to attend the class. I could literally feel the check being produced. They were coming.

The drive and the conversation continued, and the rolling breakthrough feeling continued coursing through me. I got home and unpacked and went straight to the web site for the secret, www.thesecret.tv I printed up two blank checks from the bank of the universe and filled them out in the amounts I had requested and signed the checks. I then stuck them on the wall near my desk, and every time I look at those checks, I know they are coming, as the universe wants me to be happy.

The Camera

While serving in the US Army Signal Corp in the late 80's I finally had the opportunity to get a 35mm camera. I did my usual research for something I was interested in. I learned about f-stops, shutter speeds, film speeds, as well as artistic techniques such as framing, light, texture, and dimension. I would go on walks just to take pictures. My eye began to develop due to study and practice of the art, and was soon taking some decent pictures. When I got out the Army my camera starting having problems so I took it to a shop to have it repaired. They called and told me the camera was worn out, and it would cost more to repair it than the camera was worth. That was the end of that.

This past Christmas my girlfriend, Kristi, decided to get herself a new Digital SLR. I was was staying at her house while I attended a Landmark class. It was 2300 when I got home from class. She excitedly ask me if I wanted to see the camera, I said yes, and she hands it to me. I looked it over, and except for the LCD screen it looks like any other SLR I have ever held. I told her it looked like an awesome camera and was looking forward to seeing her photos. I handed her the camera back and walked into the kitchen to grab a beer. I sat down at the kitchen table and begin reviewing my notes from class, and looking over the assignment for the upcoming week. Kristi walked through the kitchen, and I could sense something was wrong. I ask her what's wrong, and I get nothing.

She was sitting on the couch and I sit down beside her and ask what's wrong. Still no answer. Finally she says she's upset due to my response to her new camera. My immediate reaction is what did I do wrong? I acknowledged the camera, told her how bad ass it was, and I looked forward to seeing her pictures. What more was there to say? While I am rolling this around in my head she goes out side to smoke a cigarette. I am sitting there still trying to figure out what I did wrong. In my minds eye I had done the appropriate wow.

Then I began to see something I had not seen at the time, and it was ugly, really ugly. This ugliness was jealousy. The love of my life had got her dream camera, and as opposed to being really happy for her, I was jealous. I felt sick. I went outside and told her I was sorry for my reaction, and that I had no idea I was presenting myself that way. I explained to her that I was extremely jealous of her new camera. Thank God she has a big heart, because I hurt her deeply. She accepted my apology and my honesty.

It's scary to see who we really are, not who we think we are. Most of us are pretending to be pretty people, the pretty people we think we are. When you come face to face with reality it's a disgusting feeling.

I remember another example of this. I attended the final night of Lesley's Forum to see what it was all about. After talking with Lesley I decided to sign up for the class. We went to the registration table to fill out the paperwork. Everything was going just fine until we got to the question about what I wanted to get out of the Forum. The people at the registration table told me I could put down anything I wanted. I looked at the entry and there were a bunch of blank lines. I thought about it for a moment and boiled it all down to one thing, in a very simple statement. "Freedom from fear". I told them that was it. They told me I could put as much as I wanted in the blank space, and I told them that was it. They kept prodding me, and I remember telling them if I could conquer my fear everything else would fall into place. They kept on, and I remember jokingly telling them that was all I wanted.

I attended the Forum the first week in December. Sunday night, after 2 long days of struggle, I got it. I had found the silence of my mind, I had transformed. The last night of my class I ask Lesley to come with me, since she had exposed me to the Forum. After the class was over, she wanted me to meet Amanda one of the girls working at the registration table. Lesley introduced us again, and she remembered me instantly. She put on a mock angry face and said "Freedom from fear!" Then she said something about the change in my face and how proud she was I finished the Forum.

The angry face I was presenting, was very nasty. Same thing with the camera. How I thought I was being was, way off from what I was actually being. This is sickening reality to face, and takes a lot of fortitude to do so.

The chatterbox creates that false reality for us. It does so seamlessly and we never notice it. It is very common to think we are our little voice, since we have had it for as long as we remember. The chatterbox is a very complicated little critter once you start to pay attention to it, and that is the first step to getting control over your little voice. First you acknowledge it, then you pay attention to it.

The reality is you are not your internal dialog.

Centered

Living in that somewhat "elusive" space of being focused on the moment is an incredible challenge. There are different degrees of "losing it", as we swim in the sea of possibility. Some times it's a little wobble, and sometimes it's a big wobble, but you can still stop the wobble, and gain control over your internal dialog...your chatterbox.

I have read The Power of Now, by Tolle, and it was was a powerful, moving, experience. Yet, I felt like a little man looking at a mountain, with a big ball, I am supposed to push up this hill. I would push the ball up the mountain and get it to the top. The ball would balance for just a brief moment, and fall to the other side. I would climb down the mountain, walk around to the ball and begin to push it up the mountain, and again the ball would balance for a moment, and then roll down the other side. On and on this went, as the moment I had the ball balanced, a brand new world opened up. I just could not balance the ball.

Once you find a way to balance the ball, it becomes easier...and when the ball slips a little you know how to catch it, and return to center. Today, I lost the ball, the mountain, all of it, due to the racket/noise in my head.

Thanks to my amazing sister, I am now centered again. She has done the Landmark forum, as well as the Advanced course, and is an incredible coach. Even though she is my sister, she ain't pullin' no punches. She went in to the trenches with me and shared a tool to see where I was going wrong.

"Stop fighting it, by fighting it you are feeding it"

That brought everything back to center...the silence...

"Hey Todd...Let go of the banana!"

Peace All!

My Chatterbox

You know that internal dialog you have with yourself? That is what I call my "Chatterbox". My chatterbox, is a very ugly, vile thing, that can be quite nasty and mean. Recently, through the Landmark Forum, I learned to control the chatterbox to a degree. When I am really focused and centered the chatterbox get's pushed way into the background. When the chatterbox tries to come back, I can usually push it away. When I am not focused, the chatterbox is around in varying degrees. Since my completion of the Forum in early December, I have been in control more or less of the little box.

Today, I lost my focus, and the chatterbox is in complete control, which is not a good feeling.

I am in a Landmark seminar, and the assignment was to be unreasonable at least once every day. For the first 7 days, I was unreasonable at least once a day. We all have our reasons why we can't do this or we can't do that. Those reasons are a byproduct of our little voice...the chatterbox. So, in essence the assignment was an exercise in getting control over the internal dialog.

Yesterday, I was not unreasonable, not intentionally anyway.

I made a commitment to do my homework assignments in this seminar. I broke that commitment, and therefore I have gone back on my word. This is where I began to loose my focus. Once I lost my center, the chatterbox took over, and it's beating me up with a vengeance. It almost seems as though it is making up for lost time. It is not a pretty space I am in, and it's not getting better.

I must find my center...

Welcome

Welcome to The Silence of Your Mind. This blog is intended to be a creative outlet, where I can share not only creative babble, but poetry, photos, and music that I create as well as things that capture my creative spirit.

After a 20+ year hiatus, I am finally writing again. What spurred this creativity? I took a class offered by Landmark Education called the Landmark Forum. This class caused a profound transformation in my life, and that transformation is unfolding in this moment.

In fact, "In The Moment" is what I wanted to call this blog, as that is the title of the first poem I wrote after completing the forum. Unfortunately, that title was taken, so I chose the second poem I wrote for the name of this blog.

I am looking forward to the challenge of staying creative, through the ups and downs of everyday life. With this blog I intend to share all of my thoughts regarding my day to day struggle of staying focused, and being fully creative in my life. The successes, the failures, and everything in between will come out here.

I will explore The Silence of My Mind.

Peace Always...