The Camera

While serving in the US Army Signal Corp in the late 80's I finally had the opportunity to get a 35mm camera. I did my usual research for something I was interested in. I learned about f-stops, shutter speeds, film speeds, as well as artistic techniques such as framing, light, texture, and dimension. I would go on walks just to take pictures. My eye began to develop due to study and practice of the art, and was soon taking some decent pictures. When I got out the Army my camera starting having problems so I took it to a shop to have it repaired. They called and told me the camera was worn out, and it would cost more to repair it than the camera was worth. That was the end of that.

This past Christmas my girlfriend, Kristi, decided to get herself a new Digital SLR. I was was staying at her house while I attended a Landmark class. It was 2300 when I got home from class. She excitedly ask me if I wanted to see the camera, I said yes, and she hands it to me. I looked it over, and except for the LCD screen it looks like any other SLR I have ever held. I told her it looked like an awesome camera and was looking forward to seeing her photos. I handed her the camera back and walked into the kitchen to grab a beer. I sat down at the kitchen table and begin reviewing my notes from class, and looking over the assignment for the upcoming week. Kristi walked through the kitchen, and I could sense something was wrong. I ask her what's wrong, and I get nothing.

She was sitting on the couch and I sit down beside her and ask what's wrong. Still no answer. Finally she says she's upset due to my response to her new camera. My immediate reaction is what did I do wrong? I acknowledged the camera, told her how bad ass it was, and I looked forward to seeing her pictures. What more was there to say? While I am rolling this around in my head she goes out side to smoke a cigarette. I am sitting there still trying to figure out what I did wrong. In my minds eye I had done the appropriate wow.

Then I began to see something I had not seen at the time, and it was ugly, really ugly. This ugliness was jealousy. The love of my life had got her dream camera, and as opposed to being really happy for her, I was jealous. I felt sick. I went outside and told her I was sorry for my reaction, and that I had no idea I was presenting myself that way. I explained to her that I was extremely jealous of her new camera. Thank God she has a big heart, because I hurt her deeply. She accepted my apology and my honesty.

It's scary to see who we really are, not who we think we are. Most of us are pretending to be pretty people, the pretty people we think we are. When you come face to face with reality it's a disgusting feeling.

I remember another example of this. I attended the final night of Lesley's Forum to see what it was all about. After talking with Lesley I decided to sign up for the class. We went to the registration table to fill out the paperwork. Everything was going just fine until we got to the question about what I wanted to get out of the Forum. The people at the registration table told me I could put down anything I wanted. I looked at the entry and there were a bunch of blank lines. I thought about it for a moment and boiled it all down to one thing, in a very simple statement. "Freedom from fear". I told them that was it. They told me I could put as much as I wanted in the blank space, and I told them that was it. They kept prodding me, and I remember telling them if I could conquer my fear everything else would fall into place. They kept on, and I remember jokingly telling them that was all I wanted.

I attended the Forum the first week in December. Sunday night, after 2 long days of struggle, I got it. I had found the silence of my mind, I had transformed. The last night of my class I ask Lesley to come with me, since she had exposed me to the Forum. After the class was over, she wanted me to meet Amanda one of the girls working at the registration table. Lesley introduced us again, and she remembered me instantly. She put on a mock angry face and said "Freedom from fear!" Then she said something about the change in my face and how proud she was I finished the Forum.

The angry face I was presenting, was very nasty. Same thing with the camera. How I thought I was being was, way off from what I was actually being. This is sickening reality to face, and takes a lot of fortitude to do so.

The chatterbox creates that false reality for us. It does so seamlessly and we never notice it. It is very common to think we are our little voice, since we have had it for as long as we remember. The chatterbox is a very complicated little critter once you start to pay attention to it, and that is the first step to getting control over your little voice. First you acknowledge it, then you pay attention to it.

The reality is you are not your internal dialog.